Born a Protector


0 Yato'd
Posted on 13 Oct 2014 by Rasu


MOOD:: Irratated
Listening To:: Light Rain
今、何時ですか? 11:40 [AM]
Journey of Joy: 34/1,000

For a long time I have held something in, which was good but now it's time to tackle that issue head-on.

To: The person who is supposed to be a good example
From: The little girl you scar'd years ago

Since I was a child I have learned the ways of mercy, patience, and forgiveness from my parents.
Although being merciful and loving is a remarkable thing to add in one's To-Be list. Being merciful and loving is not only forgiving and letting things come to pass, but with it also comes confrontation.

For years when I was little I was always affected by your anger.
You thrash violently at me verbally. Emotional scars and damages were made.
I still loved you even though you made me cry much more than I would have in my
early childhood life otherwise.
When I didn't understand a homework question I wouldn't go to you because of your
anger issue. Whenever I needed somebody to help or had a question I quietly waited for my parents to come home.
I was terrified of the way you acted.

Weren't adults suppose to support, be patient, and to love a child?

No matter how many gifts you have given me, from then to now I would give all of them up in-a-heart-beat if it could mean your being peaceful, true loving, and patient.

Don't use your health has an excuse to act this way. Grow up.
You have so many things, so many GOOD things given to you. Yet you turn your back on all of us. The only time you send me messages is if you are angry at something.

Your anger astounds me.
You are one of the most angry people I have ever known in my life.
But I want to change that.
No more childish-adult-like anger tantrums. No more slamming doors.
I am truly drained of your self-sensitiveness.

The other day you called me INSENSITIVE.
I wasn't being insensitive, I was giving you what you needed.

Being angry is downing your health. Stop getting ANGRY about such a insignificant thing. Things like this happen every time. Why do you have to throw a childish tantrum over something so simple. It has no meaning.

What? You think the whole world will become beautiful and charming after you showed it your fits? Don't make me laugh. You make me cry.

I know I will have another encounter of your attitude.
So this time I am prepared to give you what you need.
Not a heated argument. But I will face you head-on in a more mature manner.

I am tired of being terrified of you. It's time for me to stand up to you.

I will not dis-own nor hate you. I love you, so this is why I must confront you.
Every time your anger affects my family.
They love you, they take your stabs in the back, they smile, they still are waiting for you to come home. They are... Your parents.

You claim you love them, but do you really?
Is slamming the door and yelling your way of payment for them when they ask you a simple question to your well-being?

If this is what an adult is, I refuse to grow up.
I will never ever be like you.
I will take a stand and change the way I behave so my parents won't have to suffer like you make them suffer.
We share the same parents.. And it hurts me deeply when I see your ungratefulness to them.
Don't brush them off. That's rude.

You're just a kid.
If you ever try saying that to me, here is MY reply.

Maturity doesn't always come with age.
Decremented doesn't come with added numbers to your years.
Love is unbound by time & numbers.

TRUE Discernment isn't knowing right from wrong.
It's knowing how to perfect and better yourself.


In many ways I have seen people younger than you deal with situation more maturely than you do.

It's a sad reality.

I am surprised that you never see how much you have hurt all of us.
You're truly sensitive to your own.
It's time for me to break that sorry little reality you have created yourself.

This will hurt you more than it will hurt me.
Why? Because I am ready to unload onto you.
Let's take a bow and start shall we?

I am sick of watching them in pain because of your rebellious behavior.
I don't care if I am 10 or 50 years younger than you are.

Sometimes Nathan's come in smaller sizes.

I cannot allow you to walk down such a destructive path anymore.
I don't care if you hit me and cuss at me. No matter how much it will hurt me in the
end. I will confront you when the time is right.

I want you to live a peaceful, loving, and kind life.

Each day you sit alone in your house... Fuming... Depressed, and angry when
something doesn't go your way.
It may be a simple fix. Just wait.... Yet you have not patience.

I want that to change. Sometimes just sitting and waiting won't change anything.
There are times when we have to stand up and talk to each other.

Your Spirit is dry. You try to fill a God-shaped void with things this world offers.
None of them can match His Matchless-Grace.
Stop running, stop rebelling.
Be a man, confront all the things you've done.
Ask for forgiveness.
God will give it to you. He is waiting.
Stop sitting in your pity corner and letting your anger catch other people on fire.

We don't want your depression and negative energy to swirl around us anymore.

You are destroying us. Stop. This. Madness.

We are willing to help, yet you push us away.

I want to be closer to family you say?
When we try to reach out to you we get the door slammed in our face.
Literally.
You push us away verbally, then the next day you pretend your little show you gave us did not exist.

We forgive you even though you do not apologize.

We love you, and it's time.
It's time to change.

Be ready, because I was born a protector.
And I won't allow you to damage my family any longer.


I am a Substandard Blogger


0 Yato'd
Posted on 07 Oct 2014 by Rasu


MOOD:: Reflecting
Listening To:: Every Heart [MoA JP Cover]
今、何時ですか? 9:41 [PM]
Journey of Joy: 34/1,000

Note: My blog has Japanese writing on it, so if your computer can't read good Japanese junk then sorry! Can't help you there!

To whomever reads my boring blog ramblings~

It's been too long since I last updated... a4 To my sweet Hostess~ I am sorry for not updating for the past how many months??
Thank you for being gracious and still reserving this space for me.
Lately I have been wondering a lot, "Why keep a blog if there is really nobody to read it? 41
But you know what? Who cares! 21 I really enjoy typing junk onto a blog~
In-hoping whoever stumbles on this I will be able to make them laugh.

I would become a comedian but my sister says I am not funny. a1

So.. How about an update on My-Boring-Life.org.

Let's go through this QUICKLY! HERE WE GO!
はじめましょう!!!!

Summer BAM! My father came to visit us~ The whole family consisting of 20+ people all went to the Zoo together!
AH! It seems like all the adults and kids were more interested in the grackles,crows and boring common birds that flew around than the caged exotic animals!
I was too. 私も。

Fall WHOOOSH! Came to me like a sudden storm! And it is still happening.
My backyard flooded and my chickens almost drowned!
Thanks to my sister for rescuing my almost-drowning-babies.
I am a horrible caretaker. ごめん。。。ブン太ー。

I decided to take Beginner's to Japanese!
The proper name is Japanese as a Second Language.
WHICH IS A LIE! JAPANESE IS MY THIRD LANGUAGE!! ARGGHGHHH!! a4
Can you feel my confusion?!
But this is going to be so fun!
The classroom is so full of confused individuals!
The teacher is usually busy with the other confused people so she never comes to
my table to see if my group and I are doing alright.
Unless she is asking a question and wants an answer she will pick on my group.
Especially me and my sister.
In one class setting she has already picked on me 3 times in a row.
*SMITE* To those students who dared PASS the question and didn't answer...

Don't expect to learn how to communicate if you are too scared to try to answer.
a4

My Advice:
If you are learning a language DON'T BE AFRAID to answer wrongly!
If you get it right AWESOME! I LOVE YOU!
But if you get it wrong, it's OK at least you are trying and I STILL LOVE YOU!

You normally speak English in the USA but try to Practice your Japanese as much as you can! And Since there is a Teacher she can HELP you when you make a mistake.

Having knowledge in your head is way different than being about to SAY IT OUT LOUD.
Yes I type in caps... I am Chinese... We are usually Louder than the average person.
Usually.... a6

You don't want to go to Japan having knowledge only in your head, but when you are confronted and you have to speak... DOOM DOOM DOOM!
"Uhh...Sumi....Uh....Ma....uh...."
I mean... It's okay if you don't know the Language.
But yo man... You are taking the course paying 100+ USD for it.
Why not practice in the Classroom?

Unless your Dog speaks 日本語 and you can practice with him, then that's fine. 犬は日本語はなしますか?はなしますか?!


Are you serious about this course? Shyness is no excuse!
I am an introvert unless you get to know me in person.
No matter how embarrassing it will be for me to answer wrong I will try my best in the classroom too!

I would rather embarrass myself now then in Japan!
Oh... I ended up ranting! SORRY~ 50

Thanks for putting up with my non-sense~
I am tired! I go to bed now~ Nights!
ねむい~おやすみなさい!


MY GUILTY CONFESSIONS TAG


0 Yato'd
Posted on 10 Apr 2014 by Rasu


MOOD:: Reflecting
Listening To:: YouTube
今はなんじですか? 9:53 [PM]
Journey of Joy: 34/1,000

I have been tagged to do a "GUILTY CONFESSION TAG".
I think this will be really fun for me... Well here goes!

What is your guilty pleasure?
My guilty pleasure would be getting my pets' hopes up for a treat and not giving it to them.

Share something you did a long time ago that you're still ashamed of.
When I was 10 or 11 two friends I knew go into a fight and friend 1 who was older said a certain word to friend 2 who copied her. He didn't know what that word was but friend 1 went and told their dad and their dad punished friend 2 for saying that word to friend 1. Friend 2 was innocent and wasn't even the one who started the fight. I never told their father because I thought he wouldn't believe me... 'Till this day I still feel SO SO SO GUILTY... For not bringing justice at the time...

Share one bad habit you have.
One of my many bad habits would be that I don't turn of the lights when there is a need to.

Reveal one lie you've told. Big or Small.
I had a really annoying "friend" who kept hitting on me and asking me to go out with him so one day I got a help with a friend and together we pretended that I was a cross-dressing guy and that my friend was my girlfriend. He was so grossed out he wouldn't talk to me anymore that he found how I was... Male and not Female. I guess he wasn't into guy-on-guy. Even though I was in the wrong... Having him stop stalking me was nice! a6

What is one silliest thing you got upset or angry over?
You know I can't remember.. To be honest if I remember I will edit this post.

Something you're really bad at.
Resisting the action of pulling pranks or provoking pets/others.

Share something you preach but never do.
I talk about hanging out with friends but then I am too lazy to make and effort to go out with them.... BAD BAD BAD

Have you ever stolen before? If so, what?
Well... There was this time I went into the ladies restroom when I was 8 and I used paper and one penny and put it into a "vending machine" and STOLE A 25 CENT TAMPON!!!!

Reveal one act of revenge.
Probably purposely hurting somebody to where they can tell I am hurting them on purpose and especially making it big in public. Years ago.

Name somebody you used to envy.
My dad.

Mischievous thing you did in your childhood.
Playing with fire in my cousin's attic and placing a chair in the dark to trip my sister when she returned from the bathroom. WHICH WORKED BAYBEH!!!!

You see... I ain't no perfect-body.
You can laugh it is okay~ Because.. I TAG YOU!


Change is to Believe


0 Yato'd
Posted on 08 Apr 2014 by Rasu


MOOD:: Reflecting
Listening To:: Ai Wo De Mei Ge Ren
今はなんじですか? 7:16 [PM]
Journey of Joy: 34/1,000

School school school, broken programs, broken homework samples, forever waiting, lack motivation, & funny jokes aside.

Today I want to talk about something.

Change.
Change is something thousands of people talk about.
Especially changing themselves.
Is it possible to change myself?
Of course it is.
There is somebody in my life that I am very proud of right now.

I have known him for a long time.
He went from a loud, silly, joking, trying-to-be-hip kind-of-guy into a sweet, thoughtful, mature gentleman.

However what really irritates me is that the people around him don't seem to notice his changes.
They still treat him as an irresponsible 13 year-old.
C'mon he is 20... He isn't like that anymore.
He has been trying really hard to change for the better.
Mostly so he can be the kind of people his parents would be proud of, and a good role model for his baby siblings.

Yet I hear, and see people doubting him when he makes a promise.
"There's no way he would come! He is just lying! Can we go now?"

"What? You believe in him?"

Hey... He is trying to change.. Will you not even give him a chance?

Yes it is hard to change.
And change comes harder when those who normally would support the changing person won't even believe that he/she can do it.
When they down talk him/her or just laugh-it-off.

At.Least.He.Is.Trying.To.Improve.

That makes me proud.
I don't like you laughing him off when he is truly serious!
I have seen such a difference.
I wished you wouldn't snap at him, scold him, and fuss at him the moment he walks in the door.

It REALLY surprises me! He literally takes one step into the room and it's already fussing time for him.
He hasn't even spoken once.

Yet he smiles and nods and obeys.
This.Is.Killing.Me.
But I love him a lot.
He may not think he is a good role model for his siblings, but he is my role model.

He inspired me to work harder and to mature-up.

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THEY SAY! I BELIEVE IN YOU! I KNOW YOU CAN CHANGE! I WILL SUPPORT YOU IN MY HEART! YOU CAN DO IT! a2 a6


Wound


1 Yato'd
Posted on 26 Mar 2014 by Rasu


MOOD:: Reflecting
Listening To:: Invisible Wings [Angela]
今はなんじですか? 12:01 [AM]
Journey of Joy: 34/1,000

I have always known that I haven't been blogging.
Have I quit blogging? Did I lose the interest in it?
No I haven't... I would have to say I just have such lack of motivation these
months.
As some of my readers know that I returned from my winter vacation in Taiwan
in January...
I would have to say I went to the trip like a little 10 year old full of
confidence.
Knowing I could be like one-of-those people who boldly believe something
awesome would come about.
Nobody could rip off my wings, hurt me, smash me into the ground.
But sadly I was wrong.
Something happened during the trip that made me lose my wings, it stabbed me
and left the knife in, and I feel as if I was smashed into the ground and I
am 3,000 ft. below ground level.
Dramatic right? It is.

I always read, heard, and seen people who talk and talk about how if you
did "such and such" then "such and such" would happen!
I followed the steps, felt great about it.
But look what it did to me.
3 months later I am the complete opposite of a 10 year old innocent & confident
girl.

When I came back from my trip I asked myself "How come I don't have the sunshine
that those people had?"
I want to quit, I feel so dumb, I feel tricked...
Is there a way out?
There is, but I don't understand why I lack so much motivation to pick up
and move on.

During the trip good things happened.
So good I was moved to tears.
Some people call these types of tears a pure hearted tear.
But why do I feel as if it is a helpless and heart broken tear?
I realize how much I truly loved them.
I don't want you to go. Please don't go. I am not through with you.

I would talk, scream, cry, wail all of my feelings to you...
However there is a thick wall that separates us.
It's a wall that's transparent...
We smile at each other but you cannot see the pain that my face hides.
It's a very cruel wall... I see you today, I wave, I smile, I mouth the word
I LOVE YOU.
You nod, you smile back, you say the three words back to me.
I burst out in tears, but only you don't see these tears.

Don't go. I can't leave you. So far away. Come with me. Don't stay there
anymore... You will only suffer.
You maybe one of the HARDEST persons to reach.
I feel so hopeless, and weak.
What am I suppose to do with these emotions that have finally surfaced?

Even if I cried in front of you because of the language barrier you will not
understand a word I say.
This is truly devastating.

You smile everyday and carry on with life not knowing your in danger...
The town, the culture, the people, the influence, and your family traditions
warp your mind.
You do not know that these seemingly good things are what is trapping you.
It strangles you, it binds you, it suffocates you, it has bared its fangs
into your body, and the poison seeps into your mind, soul, and body.

Yet I just stand there in a daze.
No matter how much it breaks my heart...
Knowing you welcome this predator into your home without knowing that it only
wants harm for you.
I am powerless.

But this is just the beginning of war.


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